Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You'd think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.

   Justin Bieber has given away his pet hamster to a fan. She should probably wash it.

   Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...

   One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

   I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...

   I'm at my most likable before you get to know me.

   To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!

   So we gain a Kardashian but lose Tony Soprano ? Lifes exchange rate just took a dip ....

   You know that relationship is doomed when you already have 400 couple's pictures and the relationship is only 30 days old.

   Warning to parents: If you ever catch your kids reading "50 Shades of Grey" WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T spank them.

   I went to the library and asked for a book about small peni$es. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "Yep, that's the one", I said.

   This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.

   People that believe internet gossip are the same dumbasses that keep the Kardashians famous.

   naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..

   Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.

   Seems Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. Let's hope she owns a life jacket. :-/

   I think I'm ready for a relationship. It's been a while since I've dealt with someone's ex drama, had my anxiety go through the roof or had my ego ripped to shreds. It sounds so tempting.

   woke up this morning to a little frost on the pumpkins. Guess it's time to start wearing a bra again.

   I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.