Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.

   What a sweet lemonade stand. Your daughter is going be a wonderful bartender when she grows up.

   Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but this latest one was due to climate change.

   LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.

   I have 2 missed calls from my mother. I think it's safe to say that by now there's a rescue team out there looking for me.

   Due to the economy......The 5 second rule has been upgraded to the 10 second rule. We just can't afford to be throwing away food....

   Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm using my hand, But I'm thinking of you.

   Oh, you wear a NORTHFACE Jacket ? You must go on sooo many adventures......

   Facebook should make it to where it says, 'Went from being in a relationship' to 'Problem solved.'

   When things don't add up in your life, start subtracting.

   If a cop pulls you over for talking on your phone, just tell him you were reporting a drunk driver.

   I'd love to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes…

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed,,, act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaaay better than you.

   What's long and hard, but can't get up? A North Korean rocket.

   If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate.

   Hell hath no fury like a Poptart that hasn't had time to properly cool off.

   I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients are clueless.

   If I was single, I would have a stick figure of myself on the back of my car next to a bag of cash.

   There should be a mandatory day on facebook where everyone must turn off their spell-checker so we can weed out the retards.