Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I approach them.

   Just when I was getting use to writing 2019

   20 year old in Colorado.... "The Cops!! Quick light a joint to cover up the cigarette smell!!!!"

   .. To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid.

   Its amazing how far we've come since the days of the cavemen who used to communicate with each other by writing on walls.

   I'm so old I......just forgot what I was going to post?

   Accidentally typed Sybian instead of Simba and let me tell you Disney themed p 0rn does not screw around

   I'm so excited as Justin Bieber has a new single out!.....just seeing who my real friends are.

   Like a blind man in an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through

   I'm starting this new decade off right by being more environmentally conscious towards everything I do like using napkins made out of 100% recycled material exclusively available for a great price at Chipotle.

   If you have a crush on me tell me b4 I invest my Valentines Money in Mutual funds

   Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

   Took some ex-lax cookies to work for Valentines. With friends like me, who needs enemas?

   I was ready to run for it when I heard the fire alarm go off at the Dentist's today. But he assured me it was just a drill.

   The closest I've come to working out in the last month has been a double sneeze. And I hurt my neck.

   People think I’m stupid because I have a lisp. You know what? I’m thick of it..

   The problem with driving an old air-cooled Volkswagen bus is kids keep mistaking it as an ice cream truck, and the worst part is it's so slow they could almost catch you.

   My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.

   I like men who play hard to get. So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

   How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.