Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friend just told me he installed his own hot water heater and I am envious. All this time I missed out on getting my hot water even hotter.

   Symptoms of a Gluten allergy are depression, trouble breathing, rash and irritability which tells me my ex must have been a soft pretzel.

   Sweet!!! I just found a Trump University degree inside a box of Cracker Jack.

   Next time you feel like running around naked, please spray yourself with windex...it prevents streaking.

   Kanye West is disappointed to find "You're So Vain" wasn't about himself.

   I heard Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

   In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in from of everyone in the grocery store.

   Strange Jeopardy Categories: Does this look infected to you?

   Before the internet, no one had successful spelled the word "hemorrhoids".

   I haven't dated since the 1990's, do people still use the pickup line "Wassssssupp?"

   Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses around.

   They should make Jack Daniels chap stick.

   Life is not a fairy tale guys........if you lose a shoe by midnight your drunk.

   Happy Father's Day to all the real Dad's.... Sit down deadbeats we celebrate you on April Fool's Day...

   The best things in life are free drugs.

   My favorite Greek philosopher was Tentacles. His work just grabs me, ya know?

   Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral at all of their stores?

   Donald Trump has great respect for women in general, according to his new publicist Mrs. Doubtfire.

   Turns out the Senate is more likely to allow a AK-47 inside a public restroom than a transgender person.

   I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.