Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money :::: humans are the only species that have to pay to live on earth..

   I'm back in the HR office today, apparently "Kill myself" was not an appropriate response when by boss asked me, "What would you do if you were me?"

   Don't be sad because someone gave up on you. Feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would never give up on them.

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's really hard to pronounce...

   Some day's should come with a warning label: Today's gonna suck, so bring alcohol.

   I haven't showered today and can smell yesterday on me. But I kicked ass yesterday. So I might just ride this smell out.

   Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back...

   You know you're really awesome at telling a story when strangers near you start wandering closer to listen.

   Men go through 3 stages in life: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and growing boobs.

   IN OTHER NEWS: A picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone next to each other in the hospital bed, side by side for shoulder surgeries, was taken this week. Can you imagine listening and trying to understand that conversation?

   When a girl is in love, she offers sex. when a guy wants sex, he offers love.

   No matter what amazing things you accomplish or how fantastic you are, a cat will always think it is better than you.

   You know you need sleep when you feel drunk without having actually had any alcohol.

   Dear clever comeback, can you come BEFORE the argument is over. Thanks!

   “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

   People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.

   Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you're hot.

   The embarrassing moment when you accept a compliment that wasn't meant for you.

   I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.

   Does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back.