Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.

   Being energy efficient. When I saw an advertisment for a solar power clothes dryer. I ordered one. What I receive was a 25 foot clothes-line and a pack of 50 clothes pins.

   What's all this fuss about gay rights? I'm pretty sure there are a lot more gay lefts out there...

   My dog brought me a stick he retrieved from over 150 yards away. That's pretty far fetched.

   Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done Also I have no idea how tampons work

   Yes Amazon, I'm still watching. Stop being so insecure.

   Number of Federal Investigations of corruption, collusion, and Illegal use of Confidential Government Information against Trump - 0 ...... Number of FBI investigations against Hillary for the same - 1 .... Seems like an easy choice to me...

   The Cleveland Browns have more wins in 2016 than Ronda Rousey

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   Once Liverpool sell Fernando Torres they are going to put an offer in for Andy Murray - They've never seen someone hit the net so many times in 90 minutes.

   Some days there just isn't enough give-a-damn.

   Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of it's breast milk!"

   Busted, Disgusted, and most of all, I can't be trusted.

   I believe there's a direct correlation as to why women who have a mustache always wear a sarong over their swimwear.

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying.Sincerely, Google.

   "SIT AND STUDY" - This stunt is performed by experts under controlled conditions. Don't try this at home or anywhere. :P

   My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”

   Dear Guys Named "Rhys" --Please tell us how it's pronounced already, or prepare to be known as "Buddy"

   I just want ppl to be honest with me. I mean, the worst thing I could do is drop kick you in your face.

   Never introduce her to your money before you introduce her to yourself.