Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle.

   Career advice for young people: be born to filthy rich parents.

   Million dollar idea. A new line of make-up called Facebook Filters.

   It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do. Never mind.

   Putin has an amazing slap shot in the hockey game he played. Meaning you'll get slapped and then shot if you don't let him score.

   I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..

   If your ever wondering who your real friends are on facebook just delete your account and see who calls.

   I'm going bananas! *What I tell my bananas when I'm leaving the house.

   Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

   I could easily do all my Christmas shopping at the Cracker Barrel gift shop.

   One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb

   My new voicemail message: "For instructions in English, select one. Para instrucciones en español, por favor desconecte, aprenda a decir la lengua inglesa, llamar otra vez why seleccionar número uno."

   Mueller, what the hell!?!?

   setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.

   Any single women looking to sexually abuse a grown man, asking for a friend. . .

   I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   My wife could get a job in earthquake prediction. She can find a fault quicker than anyone.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner. Boy: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room

   I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.