Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I die at the begining of the month after paying my rent, they better sit me on the couch till the 30th!!

   Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth

   By unsubscribe, you are implying that I subscribed in the first place. You subscribed me, now you unsubscribe me.

   Just in. Anthony Weiner sends apology sext to entire Clinton campaign.

   If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.

   Question: "How many clowns does it take to elect a crappy President?" Answer: "We'll Find out on Tuesday!!!!"

   I'm so excited to watch the season finale of America tonight.

   Pick-of-the-Day Special. An egotistical idiot OR WWIII. Choose wisely.

   The polls show Hillary has an 87% chance of going to prison after tonight.

   DO YOU THINK BILL CLINTON HAS BEEN HIDING FROM HIS WIFE ALL DAY!

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   Kanye West rushed to hospital with suspected ‘dislocated ego’

   Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

   I'd like to go to Holland someday wooden shoe?

   The ox and lamb kept time?? I'm calling BS on that one...

   Fun Christmas prank: give your mom a new iPhone then refuse to help her set it up

   Some celebrities said they were leaving the country if Trump got elected president. I didn't realize they meant die, Kanye West, we're still waiting...

   My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.

   Sheldon Cooper has scored more than Ohio State did last night

   Give people who call with a private number a dose of their own medicine by knocking on their doors while wearing a mask.