Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Madonna's actual offer, since her affair with A-Rod, is "Free Herpes to everyone who votes for Hillary!"

   Trick your neighbors into thinking that you’re a werewolf, by sleeping naked in their garden.

   Ghetto Winnie the Pooh would probably say, “Tigger please.”

   I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.

   Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

   You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.

   Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.

   Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at a time

   Anonymous goes to doctor. During the prostate exam he says, "Hey doc your ring is kinda hurting me, can you take it off?" The Doctor says "I'm sorry, that's not my ring that's my watch."

   I used to be a male trapped inside a female's body. But then I was born and everything was OK.

   And in the news today. Keith Richards is not dead yet. . .

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they're trafficking children.

   All this spending on Black Friday! Y'all better pay that electric bill first, or next Friday will be Black Friday too

   When life hands you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol, and less than 3% natural flavours.........make lemonade.

   Why does this day just keep repeating itself?

   Shout out to all the hotel maids working today...... They're the real heroes!

   True love means never having to pick just one hole.

   It doesn't make it right, but there isn't a politician alive that hasn't lied or cheated to get elected.

   Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.