Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whats the difference between MLK day and ST Patty's day?? --Everyone wants to be Irish on St Pattys day!!

   How does Justin bieber remove a condom after sex??? ... He farts!!!

   So, I'm single again, this time with no intentions of looking for another girl, this time I'm letting her find me.

   Soon it'll be illegal for Americans to have a Confederate flag on the back of their pick-ups. Which will make it harder for aliens to know who to abduct.

   Log off facebook and go to church if you want to pray. Facebook was exclusively invented for spying and stalking purposes.

   Some day I will climb into the back of a taxi in the pouring rain and the driver will say "Where to buddy?" and I will say "Just drive."

   I really dont understand interventions. What's the point of being told I have a drinking problem by a room full of reasons why I drink too much in the first place.

   If they can't elect a Pope in a week they should declare Overtime...and just play ROCK BIBLE SCISSORS

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

   It's called dignity, sweetie.. and you're not gonna find it on your knees in the men's room.

   Had a man with a Prius ask me for a jump start in the grocery store parking lot today. I threw a triple a battery at him. Good luck douche bag.

   I can't sleep knowing that a sexy girl is horny somewhere.

   The NCAA should allow Penn State to continue playing football, but their scores shouldn't be reported for 15 years.

   Why are you playing video games when I have all this pu$$y?

   It is so cold, when I came to work this morning I saw a hitchiker holding up a photograph of his thumb.

   Dear Eminem and Bruno Mars - while I really enjoy your new song, I cant help thinking that a 'Sky Full of Lighters' is pretty much a fire hazard just waiting to happen. Didn't think that one through, did you?

   And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve

   Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye. I am now parsley sighted.

   Every thing I know about politics, I learned from School House Rocks.

   how do you scare a bee ? BOO-BEE!