Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whelp I think I stocked up on enough coffee to hold me over for the next 3 years, but does anyone have a little milk for it I can borrow?

   Funny how by doing the responsible thing by staying home the more homeless you look.

   I built my entire itch-cream business from scratch.

   If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

   day 1 of quarantine: I have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

   I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers come with a Fold cycle? It's 2020 for Chrissake.

   I only watch p.orn on 13 inch tv's. I feel better about myself.

   There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey

   Not everybody has to like me, I cant force you to have a good taste!

   I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.

   Why are you just now "Feeling Determined"?

   Another good feeling. Waking up and realizing that it's sunday and not monday morning. AAAAAH......zzzzzzz.

   Whoever claims they invented goat yoga stole the idea from Wyoming sheep ranchers. Okay, maybe they didn't use yoga mats but they beat you to the punch boys.

   "No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious." -George Bernard Shaw

   Original jokes are like girlfriends. I don't have one.

   Aggravation: Trying to get a vending machine to take a wrinkled dollar bill.

   I think some of my friends are completely irrational and make bad decisions, and we should hang out more.

   In Greek mythology, Athena kept an owl on her blindside so she could always see the whole truth. I knew I was missing something.

   my New Year's resolution is to exercise (my right to be lazy)