Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been told by several women that I'm a great listener. A majority of whom, have huge boobs.

   Please understand that my "May attend" response to your Facebook Event is my polite way of saying “Hell no”

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

   I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

   When I win the Mega Millions...The first order of business is buy the company I work for. Second, fire myself and collect unemployment...double dipping

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.

   I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.

   You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.

   Dear DR Phil, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?

   When people try extra hard to cover the keypad as they enter their pin at the ATM, I always want to whisper, "I saw it" when they're done.

   cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...

   Never be ashamed of who you are. Be ashamed of who you pretend to be.

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."

   Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS f*cking you?!"

   I was alone in the house last night, lying in bed, and all of a sudden I heard someone fart. I didn't know whether to laugh or be scared as hell.

   born at a very young age.

   It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your ass.

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”