Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i cant decide between American Idol, DWTS, THe Voice or chopping my nuts off with the hedge trimmers.....

   You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can't conjugate verbs.

   Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t."

   I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

   Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you havent pissed in 8 hrs

   you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!

   Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is

   I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.

   I prefer 11,000 Keystone XL pipeline workers over 87,000 new IRS agents.

   I picked up one of those counterfeit money detector pens. You should see the expression on the clerks face when I use it to check all change they give me from my twenty that they checked with their detector pen.

   When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.

   I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.

   You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.

   Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

   Picking up someone at a bar when you're drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn't want.

   Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.

   There's a special place in hell for murderers and the guy who decided what time breakfast ends at McDonalds.

   A 90 year old cashier in the speedy checkout lane.... Good move Walmart.

   Of everything I've ever accomplished in my life, I'm most proud of the fact that I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore.