Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   roses are red, violets are blue, I'm sorry babe, got nothing for you.

   Talking to boring people makes me feel like I’m underwater and I'm running out of oxygen.

   if the Sequester lasts too long, politicians will have to furlow their hookers...

   blocking ex's and their ugly gf's on fb feels so good

   Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.

   All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.

   If you feel you 'have nobody to blame but yourself' you're not trying hard enough. I can always find someone to pin it on.

   If I ever find out who keeps Photoshoping that Channing Tatum loser's head on my body... I'M SUING!

   Pitching tents in your pants doesn't mean you're outdoorsy.

   why dont the makers of bath tubs make them with slip proof grip

   I managed to use the chainsaw all afternoon without killing myself. I haven't seen my wife this disappointed since our wedding night.

   Make sure you love each other for your pleasant personalities coz when the looks are gone its what you will have to live with for the rest of your lives.

   Advice is sh*t you'd tell your friends but never do yourself.

   "I want you to know what I'm saying, without having to actually say it." - Women.

   If you love something let it go, and if its doing better than you, try and ruin its life.

   i couldn't ever have sex on the front lawn if there wasn't a pink flamingo present.

   Hold still, I'm trying to make you fall in love with me.

   I only phone my boss from the toilet because thats the only place where he makes any sense.

   Maybe you're beautiful, or maybe he's horny.

   If you can find the trash can in my kitchen without asking, I just assume you're a wizard.