Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *At Super Bowl Party Sunday* Hey honey, they've got a WHOLE bunch of jumbo shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

   If coronavirus isn't about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

   Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor

   Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

   If I ever get a dog, I think I'll name him Peeve. Then I can introduce him as my pet peeve.

   Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !

   We have so much in common. You love to travel and I want you to go

   Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert.

   Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   Our reality has become a nightmare from which we cannot awake.

   Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

   Excuse me, but does this sumo wrestler costume make me look fat?

   Someone probably choked to death on food in the Death Star cafeteria and everyone thought it was Vader doing it.

   Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism among any animal.

   a lot of younger folks won’t remember this but before 9/11 you were allowed to grill your own meats on airplanes

   Cruelty is people with back pain having to bend over at the pharmacy to get a tube of Bengay from the bottom shelf.

   If you inbox a woman “hey” she immediately takes off all her clothes. Everyone knows that.

   this new "space force" we're going to have....will basic training include making the kessel run in less than 12 parsecs

   I'm so old I can remember when ripped jeans meant you'd been attacked by a bear. Those were the days.

   Did you know that 6 out of the 7 dwarves were not happy?