Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A university's study of the human brain said the only difference between a wowan's brain and a man's brain is that the woman's brain is located in their head.

   "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.

   Some sheep can't see past the Shepherd ...

   Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.

   I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?

   Everyone is playing Pokemon again, Blink 182 has a #1 song, a Clinton is running for President, Tarzan is in theaters. Welcome to 2001.

   black lives matter on or off this week?

   On this date 10 years ago we lost my good friend and drinking buddy Roy. We found him 2 days later and continued drinking.

   Donald Trump probably doesn't even wanna be president cause then he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood

   Budweiser has rebranded itself as simply "America" this summer because "Fermented Garbage Water" wraps too far around the can.

   Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.

   May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...

   Scientists say the Earth is now reflecting too little light back into space. The biggest drop came in 1987 with the death of Liberace.

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....

   hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that

   There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.

   United Airlines just received failing grade from the health department for having blood on its Chinese take out.

   A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.

   My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln