Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Business truth: The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

   watching Bear Grylls to get new ideas for my grocery list.

   never give up...often success is just a step away!

   No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

   Sometimes life is hell. But hey! Whatever gets the marshmallows toasty.

   Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

   I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake.

   I'm getting bored with gravity. Time for an update with new features, universe!

   The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

   determined to slam a revolving door...I will do this!

   Nothing will cure your baseball game hunger for a hotdog than a fat guy sitting in front of you with a 5 inch butt crack staring at you.

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   Life insurance advertisements during "Final Destination". Touché insurance companies... touché

   goin to go to wal-mart and when the intercom comes on sit in an isle rock back and forth saying the voices are back!

   William Shatner (capt Kirk) will be staring in a new sitcom based on a twitter feed. This isn't the first show inspired by social networking. "Dateline Predator" was based on Myspace.

   When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

   If I don't appear to be listening to you, don't take it personal. I am just not interested in what you're saying.

   Hey ESPN,this is not MTV...How about showing some scores and highlights and keeping your opinions to yourself.enough with the drama.

   What is it with Facebook games like Mafia and Farmville. I guess people need to balance their murder and violence with beets and little lost sheep.

   just drove passed a Budweiser Delivery truck wrecked on the side of the freeway, oh the humanity... I'd like a moment of silence please...