Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL

   When people ask where I live I always say by the sword.

   I Got 99 Problems, But Bailing Out Baltimore & Ferguson Protesters Ain't One

   Welcome to planet earth where when you see something unusual/abnormal/weird or out of the ordinary and point it out and suddenly you are labelled a hater and accused of being judgmental. SMH

   You know who else who waits 7 hours to reply to a text with "lol"? SATAN

   I throw small pieces of bread at your duck face selfies

   Football is on. I'll talk to you guys in February.

   You know the ZZ Top song, Sharp Dressed Man? I stop singing after "every girls crazy"

   You are a soul driving a meat-covered-skeleton made of stardust hurtling through space on an organic spaceship. Fear nothing.

   A Google Chrome add-on that allows you to remove mentions and photos of the Kardashians from your browser

   No, no....when I Poked you on facebook, it wasn't a friendly tap on the shoulder. It was thinly veiled suggestion for my wanting to f**k your brains out.

   A fool spends his entire life denying that he is a fool. A wise man accepts and embraces that he is a fool.

   How long does someone have to be in a coma before you can eat their fries?

   my Facebook fans are waiting on a funny.... Come on people get with it.

   My left butt cheek fell asleep. I'm half-assing every thing I do at work today.

   How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we'll call it "ENJOY YOUR LIVES"

   I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.

   I would probably enjoy rough sex a lot more if I wasn't always alone.

   I've seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.

   Swimming in the pool counts as a shower, right?!?