Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I really need are two things: a lighter, and five minutes of being unsupervised.

   it really considered a date if I have to keep tipping her?

   I don't have an eating disorder so much as I have a doing the dishes disorder.

   I get paid to be nice to people at work. Why does everybody expect me to do it for free on my own time?

   When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".

   Those Blue Man Group guys need to find some women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.

   People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

   Being awake is stupid, nothing good ever comes of it.

   I've been hard at work all day today. I accidentally took a viagra pill in stead of my vitamin this morning.

   My kids treat me like a god. They ignore my existence untill they need something.

   odd that R. Kelly has a 19 minutes song ... usually he doesnt likes it over 18 ...

   CEO: Sorry but we're closing the plant and moving to Mexico Me: *looks up from phone 3 months later* Where the hell is everybody?

   Don’t be silly. Those bodies were there when I bought the place.

   I don't have any Emmys but I Have 2 Grammys ....they're both dead

   ATTENTION!!! Heavy rain is on the forecast this week, please use permanent markers for your eyebrows.

   Consciousness is the nightmare before sleep.

   Yes I'll be leaving the jean jacket on during foreplay.

   You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.

   Be careful when a guy says "he loves you from the bottom of his heart",this may mean that "there is still enough space for another girl at the top"

   If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?