Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

   This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

   you want sympathy? look it up in the dictionary, its right between sh*t and syphilis.

   To all females that got a message from me that said "Hell yes....When & where?" I'm sorry,that was before I knew about this numbers game.In my defense,what was I supposed 2 think when you sent me a message that just said "69"? I thought you were asking me

   I lost my mood ring...I'm not sure how I feel about that...

   doesn't think you should put the pedal to the medal in that Toyota.

   Women are like roads: the more curves they have,the more dangerous they are.

   If we really knew exactly what we were getting into when we decided to have kids, I'm pretty sure we'd be screwed as a species.

   believes Jimmy Buffet said it best. . . "Why dont we get drunk and screw?" Happy St. Patrick's and Hump Day everyone!!!

   Being real is like being a lady... if you have to tell people you are... you aren't.

   you shouldn't let fear keep you from doing what's right.

   Jogging backwards because I'm trying to gain a little weight

   Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

   Birds of a feather flock together...then sh*t on your car...

   Getting blind drunk off PBR shall now be known as getting a Pabst Smear.

   I just read about a dyslexic cop being fired for operating an IUD checkpoint.

   Until I found Facebook, I had no idea talking to myself could be so entertaining.

   I really want to know why Newton discovered gravity when he saw an apple falling. He used to sh*t and I'm sure it didn't fly.

   I always feel like a domestic God after watching Hoarders.

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.