Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."

   Robert Kraft's prostitution arrest. Voluntary exchange of sex and compensation between consenting adults. Kinda like marriage.

   Dear R.Kelly you have no idea how much trouble Urine

   I remember when I used to get nostalgic. Those were the days...

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.

   [first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

   me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese* wife [sitting in the hot tub] Noooooooo

   Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.

   A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.

   I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween

   Guys, if you're not married, but thinking about it, remember; a wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and the house is gone.

   Changed Siri voice to male. ME: Siri, which way to the beach? SIRI: Dude just keep driving until you see a lot of water.

   Sharks don't kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

   Society needs to teach every little girl that she's smart and her brains will make her beautiful. This will help her grow into a confident and independent woman who doesn’t feel like she is nothing but a sex object.

   Easter is April 1st this year which is also April fool's day. So to celecrate both days together, I will be dyeing raw eggs this year.

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it’s not beauty.

   I lost my job as a Walmart greeter. Apparently it's okay when people enter the store to say, "Welcome to Walmart" . . . but not okay to add "and that's not just the booze talking, either!"

   Fun fact: Cops do not like to be told “You’re not the boss of me.”

   You've probably already heard that Mr. Peanut died. But, don't worry. He'll be back in a Jif.

   Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.