Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, Facebook ticker, I don't need to know which Yahoo articles my friends have read. What's next, a detailed report of what everyone Googles in real time? No thank you!

   Fried rabbit and eggs on this Easter morning...sorry if this was the last house the Easter bunny made it to.

   I'm single, meaning I don't have anyone dragging me into the theaters to go see the 'Hunger Games'...

   If you're single and looking to score, never bring girls to a bar... that's like bringing apples to an orchard.

   I can count to five in Spanish. Maybe Pitbull will let me be on his next album

   How can my kids rule at playing Tetris, then do such a crappy job at loading the dishwasher?

   Always dress like you're going to see your worst enemy.

   No one at work will question the handful of pills you are swallowing if you just say that it's what keeps you from murdering them all.

   I like my politicians like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.

   My doctor drums up business by refusing to refill my prescriptions until I come in to sit in their waiting room full of people with the flu.

   If every nerd donated a dollar toward construction of a Millenium Falcon, we'd all be making the Kessel Run by May.

   I know New Year's Eve is long past, but I still like to kiss strangers at the stroke of midnight each night. The key is to not wake them.

   I feel better now that I have my Facebook friends ranked in descending order of who I'd eat in the event of a food shortage.

   Would love to grab one of those San Fran NFC Championship T-shirts before they're shipped to Uganda.

   For guys, Valentines day is yet another lets-give-it-a-shot-at-having-sex-with-her day.

   I'm in a Long Distance Relationship....My Girlfriend Lives in the Future!

   it's summer, the kids are home. I should just accept that everyday the house is gonna look like Bourbon Street on Monday morning.

   The only alcohol problem I have is i'm running low on vodka

   Admit it. When someone is mean to you, you spend the next 2 months winning arguments with them in your shower.

   seriously science nerds. It's 2012; where's the calorie free booze???