Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you're doing Sunday wrong.

   Dear neighbors, If you hear a lot of screaming and cussing please do not worry and/or call the police. I am cleaning out my garage and have Arachnophobia

   What did the slut's left leg say to the slut's right leg? "Nothing" They've never met.

   I saw a sign that said "Deaf Children Drive Carefully". I didn't know they drove at all.

   People who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.

   Just read that a canadian granny spent her 82nd birthday bungee jumping She landed safely ...where her breasts were already waiting for her.

   Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

   Money talks, and unfortunately mine only can say "goodbye!"

   Monogamy and mahogany are both rare types of long-lasting wood.

   I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine!

   When the hell did I get drunk and married to Google? I can barely get a word out now before it tries to finish my sentence...

   I love Swamp people...."choot em, hurry choot em"

   So that is how the season finally of Jersey shore will end...A blow job from sandy!!!

   I wish somebody would come back from heaven and tell us how to pack.

   Yesterday, 'Gangnam Style' became the first YouTube music video to receive 1 BILLION views. Which makes yesterday the actual day the music died.

   do we really need a FB page titled "I Oppose Bullying"?? Does anyone support bullying??

   We're all part of the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   The cure for premature ejaculation is coming soon.

   So I won a contest. The prize was a year supply of calenders.

   love The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed