Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

   I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone.

   If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it won't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup...

   Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.

   Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.

   Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

   Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person

   Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.

   Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

   Supermoon was OK... But according to Rotten Tomatoes, still way better than Supermoon v Batmoon.

   What if Ghosts try to kill you only because they want you as a friend? You ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

   I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.

   Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff.

   So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.

   "I stubbed my toe today. I'm not ready to share photos yet but I will keep you guys updated daily." - probably Carrie Underwood

   It’s hard to keep loving someone who constantly calls the cops and keeps changing her number but here I am.

   You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.