Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was addicted to Tide Pods.....but I'm clean now.

   Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account

   It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   [first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

   Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.

   Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end.

   DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

   Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly

   The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.

   If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.

   If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high - the door is always open

   The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.

   Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza

   I hope the aliens from Area 51 don't escape. I don't want to pay for their healthcare too.

   And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

   Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.

   I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

   It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

   starting to feel like she is just a character in some other planets Sims game, and the stairs for the swimming pool have been removed...HELP!