Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This world is in desperate need of a Sarcasm Font.

   If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.

   Has it occurred to ANYONE that if you can organize that many people to protest, you can organize that many people to help build businesses, clean up your streets? Where's that rally?

   ... It is a proven fact that when you clean out a Vacuum Cleaner .... You become a Vacuum Cleaner.

   Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.

   If I was in a position to hire someone and their resume read "I've never attended a political rally", I'd probably give them the job.

   My sports career was abruptly ended by the baby gate hurdle incident of 1996.

   It turns out Hillary didn't have pneumonia after all. She just downloaded iOS 10.

   Farting in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

   It should be a rule that every political Facebook status or tweet should begin with - "First of all, I have absolutely no real idea what I'm talking about, this is just an uninformed opinion................."

   The star of this debate...the fly. 😂😂😂😂

   Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.

   Does anyone know a phone number to a good psychiatrist?.Oh it's not for me, it's for the people who still believe they'll get a check from Bill Gates for sharing and reposting a chain letter to all their friends.

   How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead.

   They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.

   Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

   Today I ask God for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance, because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I might beat them to death...

   Puerto Rico is showing us how to make teenagers and their annoying smartphones disappear - just cut the power

   Place a "DRY PAINT" sign on a park bench. And watch how many people avoid sitting on the bench.

   Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.