Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."

   Someone should start a new Match.com, but for socks

   I may not be the richest guy in the world...or the smartest guy in the world...or the funniest guy in the world...or the best-looking guy in the world...or the ..... Aw hell, now I'm depressed...

   Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.

   It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog

   I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.

   "I stubbed my toe today. I'm not ready to share photos yet but I will keep you guys updated daily." - probably Carrie Underwood

   It’s hard to keep loving someone who constantly calls the cops and keeps changing her number but here I am.

   You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

   Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days

   I listen to all of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. That one makes absolutely no sense to me.

   Ever picked up a copy of your x-ray from the doctors office, open the envelope when you get to the car, hold it up to the light and say....."yeah, I have no clue what I'm looking at"?

   I once booked a cruise just so I could walk around for 7 days saying “Looks like we’re all in the same boat” to everyone else on board.

   The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.

   How do Amish women know if it's a romantic candle-light dinner or just a regular dinner?

   To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.