Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.

   Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow....

   Remember folks...the left wing and the right wing are all part of the same bird!

   Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.

   If I know 1 thing about the speed of light, it gets here to early in the morning.

   I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn't where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.

   Just when I thought I'd never get the chance to hear a Presidential candidate say "schlong"..

   Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

   Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

   I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit score went up 12 points.

   Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?

   We need a reality show where Flat-Earthers attempt to find the edge of the planet.

   Bill Cosby is in JAIL-O

   OK. What genius decided to call them Bridesmaids and not Insane Gown Posse?

   What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.

   Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning. After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

   I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our fore father's created. One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

   My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.

   This is Jane. Jane is in a relationship. Jane doesn't post on Facebook about how much she loves her partner. She does this in person. She doesn't mention every little significant thing they do. Janes knows nobody gives a damn. Jane is smart. Be like Jane.

   Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.