Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   I'm from Canada, we use the metric system, so 'third base' means 'butt stuff'.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.

   Dear Customer Service: When are all of your representatives NOT assisting other callers?

   So, you're telling me that the Grammys aren't cute little bags of cocaine?

   If you are thinking about getting married but are unsure, ask yourself "What would Jesus do?" Then remember that Jesus was never married.

   Gray hair is the human body's equivalent of low toner.

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.

   so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.

   It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

   It's February. Think now may be a good time to take down your freakin' Christmas lights? Hmm?

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died and were content with it.

   Cleaning all the straws out of my glove box cause I would not want any straw sniffing dogs to find my stash!

   I just found out that сосk fighting is done with chickens? That's 12 months of training gone to waste!

   United, we put the hospital in hospitality.

   Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge.

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."