Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't adult cereals come with prizes? A pill organizer Post it notes Vouchers for gas ...And so on.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour's lawn, just pretend you're a werewolf.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

   A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

   Ring = she’s married Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

   The cashier asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag to whom I replied No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container.

   I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   It’s Fashion Week in Pakistan. Turns out for the 800th year in a row, burqas are in.

   A man in Kentucky cut off another man’s beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. In a related story, I’m staying the heck out of Kentucky.

   It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

   I don't care what you call me as long as it's not on my phone.

   Reasons to not eat cookies: - there are no cookies - you're trapped under something heavy and can't reach the cookies. End of list

   I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

   I couldn't afford a vacation in Mexico, so I watched the Spanish channel all day yesterday and ate some undercooked chicken.

   January is the month that people are most likely to be fired — especially if you’re an elf.

   I do squats so I don’t have to work on my personality.

   I may not be the skinniest or the best looking out there, but let me tell you something. I'm also not the smartest..

   Anytime a frozen meal tells me to "cut holes in film to vent" I pretend like I'm Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects