Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much of this "no more tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?

   I dont care if you dont like me, I am not in the business of entertaining anyone.

   I hate it when I'm daydreaming and some retard waves his hand in my face.

   Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.

   "Son, are you gay?" - No, i´m a princess.

   Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

   Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs... There seems to be a gap of information!

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is,, You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Give a women a Facebook account and she can complain about self inflicted drama and fill up your newsfeed.

   dont worry if you find yourself alone on Valentines Day...its not the end of the World...thats still 10 months away

   I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.

   While your looking for deals this black Friday....I'll be at your house finding a better deal

   Please please God, will you still love me if I don't forward the annoying chain e-mail I got to 25 of my friends?

   just heard that A burger King in Florida will open next month that will serve BEER.... where you'll be able to get a whopper combo with a beer for 7.99....FINALLY A HAPPY MEAL FOR MEN!

   I'm going to start naming my word documents "The Earth" so when I'm done, my pc will ask me if I want to save "the earth or not

   Today's secret word is Bieber. Everytime someone says it, punch them with authority.

   Justin Bieber's songs are just about as deep as his voice...

   carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out.

   7 out of 10 England Fans think England will win the World Cup 2010. . . . the other 3 aren't drunk yet!

   Him: For every cigarette you smoke I breathe in 50% of the smoke you do. Me: If that's the case, you owe me for a half a pack of cigarettes.