Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel sorry for the last man on earth. A lot of women really hate that guy.

   Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.

   If you eat at McDonald's, I doubt fresh vs frozen beef is your biggest concern...

   I took an Ambien and now I hate everyone....

   Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.

   If you can't find your wife or GF at the mall, just start talking to the hottest girl you see and she'll appear out of nowhere.

   If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.

   State Farm is hoping no one will notice when they replace Aaron Rodgers with a black guy.

   a free button called Block/Unfriend and Delete.... trust me those things can work miracles when it comes to dealing with drama on Fb

   If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"

   Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.

   Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.

   Yes. You're Wrong: A guide for men preparing for marriage.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger… at least one of them anyway.

   I call my bedroom ‘the place where the magic happens’ because it’s where I make my self-respect disappear.

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just tighten all the jar lids. That way she'll HAVE to talk to you.

   I finally received my W2 from Facebook

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by noon...

   Dear women, he does not want a watch for his Birthday. He wants you to dress like a hooker, handcuff him to a chair and have the kind of sex with him that would definitely upset churchgoing people.

   College kids please choose a career in something you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because that dream job isn't hiring....