Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family I'm a gift!!

   After the 7th day of January. Please keep your "Happy New Year" messages to yourself. We probably, have already cried, been depressed, been angry at someone, eaten leftover food more than once and paid an unexpected bill. It's no longer new or happy.

   So...Laveon Bell turned down $70M from the Steelers, sat out a year w/o pay and signed with the Jets for $50M. No wonder those guys always go broke...

   If I die after I pay rent I need y’all to sit my body up on my couch until the 31st of that month. I want my monies worth

   If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Taco Bell food.

   Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

   the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition

   The left’s attempts to silence ideas they cannot, or will not debate, is a confession of intellectual bankruptcy.

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.

   Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

   What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   If you want to capture someone’s attention, whisper ~ Creepy Joe

   I’d rather see a woman who smoked a joint represent the USA in the Olympics than one who turns her back on the flag. I said what I said.

   You can’t say that President Trump hasn’t Tweeted you well.