Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're like a cloud: once you f*ck off,it's a nice day.

   It's too bad you don't get any sexual satisfaction out of being screwed over all the time. I would be set for life!!!

   In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends…it's not rocket science.

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

   With the rise in social networking which we all enjoy, there is a crucial need for someone to invent and standardise a sarcasm font.

   My brain is giving me the silent treatment.

   I am pretty sure that J.Lo plus butter equals Snookie

   Every time I see that one mattress commercial that attempts to gross you out by saying your mattress doubles in weight after 8 years due to dust mites, sweat and dead skin. I always think to myself, why leave out the big contributing factor? Happy Endings

   I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it -- like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.

   I'm only on here for entertainment. Please don't try and make me learn anything.

   According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the top three paying jobs for women are pharmacist, chief executive, and Tiger Woods wife.

   To prevent injuring your thumb while hammering,have your wife hold the nails.

   In Dog Beers, I only plan on having 1 tonight

   I should have guessed that huge red toy on the wall at the sex shop was too good to be true! Oh well. I might be $50 shorter but I now have a fire extinguisher for the home!

   loves it when a parent only has pictures of their kids as profile pictures and none of themselves. You can never be too careful these days.

   what's the difference between frog and a horny toad? A frog says ribbit, and a horny toad says rub it!

   Nice try Bruce, but nobody over the age of 11 is named "Caitlyn"

   I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores

   Pro tip: buy the cheap vodka and run it through your Brita water filter a few times..