Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.

   If Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un break up again Taylor Swift’s gonna write a song about it.

   Sorry to announce my pet mouse 'Elvis' has just died!..he was caught in a trap!

   The weather temperature when from 90 to 55 like it saw a State Trooper.

   I'm surprised the weather channel hasn't started naming the caravans......

   The guy below doesn't seem to get that everyone knows he posts nonsense.

   The Duty of a true Patriot is to protect his country from it's government.

   I'll probably be sick of these orange sherbet pushups by the time I finish the 22 pushup challenge but, I am determined to finish it anyway.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a Tea cup Yorkie That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

   My definition of clean living is mixing my Jack and Coke with my pinky since it's touched less gross stuff than my other fingers.

   If you plan your own birthday party, you really don't have that much to celebrate.

   The wise make good use of prosperity. The stupid buy a $2,000 car and spend $5,000 on rims.

   Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control

   I think some people just shouldn't be allowed reproduce because of their IQ level.

   Whenever I drop something edible I just call my dog over to clean it up.

   one of my biggest fears is to look out my window at night and see someone staring back at me.

   My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can't help that my english teacher is hotter.

   Here in America we pay homeage to our Presidents by gathering at malls and walmarts giving back our tax returns

   It's extremely frustrating when you spell a word so incorrectly that even spell check isn't able to help you out.