Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever gotten so bored at work that you just started actually doing your job?

   If you think there's nothing better than sex, you've never had a cop turn on their lights behind you then pull over someone else.

   All these 9 year olds with their iPhones, iPads, and laptops....when I was 9, I felt cool with new markers.

   If you're going to rattle my cage, you best make sure I'm padlocked in it.

   I don't know how the law of averages works, but you'd think after 25yrs of marriage I'd be right at least once??........bOb

   Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can't possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.

   Sorry I'm late for work but now that McDonald's serves breakfast all day I don't really have much of an incentive to wake up before 10 am

   When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

   I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

   My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   To be honest, I'm just not that into you, Monday.

   When playing dodgeball, remember the golden rule: Hide behind the fat kid...

   Two things: 1) Where have you been all my life? 2) Can you please go back there?

   Time to donate all of my Leisure Suits to the Salvation Army. I'm starting to think that fashion isn't coming back.

   The only woman in my life who regularly calls to see if I'm ok works at MasterCard.

   Pretty sure the lead actress from 'Precious' has a twin sister who works at every Wendy's I've ever been to...

   Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm.

   I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

   Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.

   I watched a documentary last night where this team of scientists studied the inside of a man bun. Turns out they are formed from craft beer and Maroon 5 CDs.