Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it

   WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza? ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

   Me: "Hey, Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

   Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

   By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.

   How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

   Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

   Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

   This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

   Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

   shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

   Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

   So 10-year old's school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too. Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

   Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

   Want people to leave you alone this fall? Tuck in your sweater.

   Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

   Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

   Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

   If Cinderella's shoe only fit her and no one else why did it fall off?