Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This year, they should give out Xanax with the 'I voted' sticker.

   U-Haul stocks are up today :)

   What a great day to be alive and an American on this day of Remberance and Honor of the Men and Women who answered the call of duty and the sacrifices they have made to keep us free., thank you and know this we will never forget, we will never surrender

   Things get back to normal tomorrow when Supermoon returns to work as mild mannered reporter Clark Moon.

   Now my neighbors know how often I pee in my backyard... Thanks, super moon. Thanks.

   My Bank called because they noticed "Highly Suspicious Activity" on my debit card. It was for a Gym Membership.

   The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

   Casual Fridays? I'm holding out for Optional Fridays.

   To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm out in public. Thanks.

   The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.

   If you think about it, to come clean is not an option. . .

   'Wait, let me overthink that.' Women

   I'm recording an album called "My Sinuses Unplugged."

   The real Troll Hunter is a stupid, little shy guy without any self-confidence who has a big flap on the internet and at home he is sitting while peeing… because his mom told himso

   I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

   Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."

   Don't judge me on the choices I have made when you don't know the options I had to choose from.

   I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

   Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

   If someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs!