Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dropped it like it was hot but couldn't pick it back up.

   Thank goodness the weather has gotten nice for once. I was getting sick of hearing people complain about the cold. Now I'm ready for people to start complaining about it being too hot. Whine people....whine!!

   They tell us not to put all our eggs in one basket, then Easter comes and they only give us one basket!

   You're lucky to be born so beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

   I installed a stripper pole outside my house. Haven't caught one yet.

   “Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again.” (my brain)

   Weddings in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.

   Why doesn't the White House have a BIG YARD SALE to pay back the debt?

   I don't think I will ever be mature enough to keep from laughing everytime I see a shake-weight commercial.

   There is really a Miss Facebook beauty pageant. I wonder if the bathroom pictures are scored lower?

   if by Jareds you mean Wal-Mart, then yes I got it at Jareds

   I need constant reassurance, right?

   If I want your opinion I'll......actually forget that....I'll never want your opinion.

   Judging by the hair on the furniture, I'm surprised I have any cat left at all.

   Insanity means never having to say “I'm Guilty”.

   May 21, 2011 6:00pm?? Wait...where in the Bible does it mention clocks?

   How would you even go about putting 99 bottles of beer on the wall in the first place?

   in the worst pain I've ever been in!! Hit a dry spot on a Slip n' Slide.

   People like to talk about other people....it diverts the attention away from them.

   You know what sucks, when the people you are staying with have a grandfather clock and it chimes the number of hours. Know what sucks more, it is set to military time.