Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be yourself, you already have the costume.

   Stupid people with their "hello's" and "how you doing sir's?" and "do you know how fast you were going's?"

   Masturbation - When you want a job done right you've got to do it yourself.

   there anything lamer than sharing a FB profile with your wife?? Grow some effing balls or come out of the closet already...

   Some people say, “Facebook me” while others say, “Follow me.” But, I miss the classic, “blow me.”

   Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   I am gluten intolerance intolerant. I can't stand hearing people talk about their gluten intolerance.

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.

   Everyone wants to be Mexican for today Cinco De Mayo.. But nobody wants to work like Juan

   My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.

   I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.

   Just so I'm sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.

   Good looks are a bonus, humour is a must.

   I'm "had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn't pick up and start dialing" years old.

   I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.

   Turned off "Facebook Notifications".... My battery whispered,,, "thank you"

   My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.

   *beats dead horse... *kills two birds with 1 stone... *lets cat out of bag... *takes bull by horns... *breaks camels back... (Finally gets kicked out of zoo)

   Seriously,,, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “Dude, you’re at Burger King.”

   I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.