Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you owe me money, until you pay me, don't expect any of our conversations to be pleasant.

   Friday the 13th, eh? I bet there's a lot of killer parties going on tonight!

   Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. you know i'm right.

   Found my wife's vibrator the other day. Now I'm not saying it was big but I'm seriously thinking about entering it in Robot Wars.

   Here's a bit of advice: advi

   The word LISTEN contains the same letters as the word SILENT........

   lets flip a coin....heads I get tail and tails I get head!!

   Weekends are like rainbows: they look great from a distance but seem to disappear when you get close to them.

   Monday Morning just logged me out due to inactivity...

   When we get older, what r we gonna tell our grand kids?!... "When I was ur age, I sat on my a$$, all day on facebook!" The future looks bright, doesn't it?

   I piss awesomeness. Awesomeness burns, right?

   Mom used to let me lick the mixing beaters when she'd bake a cake.....seems like it would have been better bonding between us if she'd shut the mixer off first though....

   Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.

   so we are all in the basement watching Dora. And, Dora and Boots can not figure out how to get pass this big red line when Max (10 yr old) says, "It's the border Dora! You are not supposed to cross it!"

   To make sure not to lock you small children in the hot car, be sure to leave something important in the back seat like your cell phone.

   My fortune cookie read: "HELP! I am being held captive at the fortune cookie factory."

   When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your guy.

   If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

   i am a leader not a follower so therefore I dont twitter.

   According to the anti-piracy ads "Copying DVDs is stealing" By that logic, taking a photo is kidnapping.