Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived.

   I hate when people use useless expressions like, 'Needless to say.' 'Needless to say, we had a terrific time tonight.' Needless to say? Then don't say it. 'Well, it goes without saying.' Then shut up.

   Lawyers talk how Doctors write.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.

   People say you can't live without love... I think oxygen is more important

   The Pizza Delivery Guy said "Thank you" but his face said: "Porn really, really lied to me about what this job was like."

   Cold weather reminds me that I have nipples.

   Ceilings were just ambitious walls.

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to restart.

   Facebook - creating and destroying relationships since 2004.

   I found the key to success...however, I found a note from success's landlord saying that the locks have been changed.

   Happy St. Patrick's Day. with that being said....i don't own any clothing or buttons or ribbons that are green...so if you pinch me....expect a punch to the throat.

   remembers when sex was safe and sky diving was dangerous...

   I heard they found the deadly Egyptian cobra that was missing from the Bronx Zoo.....It was in Lindsay Lohan's purse!

   I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me that it hopes I have a crappy day. :(

   I'll have to google this to be certain, but I don't think a witches tit is this cold.

   Okay........So on a scale from one to Courtney Love how drunk are you right now????

   it just me, or does "I Am Number Four" just sound like a really bad Brett Favre pickup line?

   If love truly is blind, she probably can't tell the difference between a gold necklace and a chain of paperclips, right?

   I could totally be on jeopardy, as an audience member...