Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   once upon at time a prince asked a princess to marry him. The princess said no and the prince lived happily ever after. The end

   whenever you feel powerless, remember that just one single turd of yours can shut down an entire waterpark

   Math questions are so dumb! They're like "if you have 30 chocolate bars and you eat 29, what do you have left?" OH I don't know how bout diabetes!!

   (Glass breaks) Woman: I think someones breaking in! Man: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Woman: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Man: Would you want to be touched with this?

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies

   Dear young girls losing their virginity... if you're age is on the clock, you're too young for the coc$.

   Let's observe a moment of silence for all the black women who don't have a Q or an apostrophe in their first name.

   congrats to Bob Costas!! America's d ick of the week!!!!

   Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.

   If the press in Haiti would quit complaining about how things aren't getting done, and would put their cameras & mics down and search, more people might be found!

   Thinks everybody makes mistakes. Just ask ur mom and dad

   'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.

   I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn't ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.

   wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.

   Independent women throw your hands in the air!!!! Whooooooo! Ok now put your hands down and go do some dishes.

   Daughter: Dad I'm a lesbian Dad: ok it's cool.. Second daughter: I'm also a lesbian Dad: Christ! Doesn't anyone in this family love c0ck? Son: I do!

   my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I replied "space". Was that wrong?

   Why was Frosty so excited? He heard the snowblower was coming.

   everybody could learn a lesson from the weather.. It pays no attention to criticism