Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just heard that there was shots fired at the U.S. Capitol. That is pretty stupid since they are all on vacation right now !!!!

   Back in the day, Mom gave us 2 dinner choices. What she cooked or jack $hit....

   When I get to heaven, the first question I'm asking God is why does my butt have more hair than my head??

   I just finished running 3 miles on the treadmill!!!! Just kidding...I'm on my third cookie.

   Hey cars with Jesus fish stickers, I know it doesn’t explicitly say so in the Bible but I’m pretty sure God wants you to use your blinkers.

   A recent survey asked some people if there are too many illegal aliens in the US. 23% said yes. 17% said no. the other 60% said, "no habla ingles."

   If you're thinking of hanging out with your ex, jerk off first and see how you feel after that.

   using a lightsaber to chop vegitables.

   I wonder if Michael Jackson actually looks like he did in the Thriller video by now...

   I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

   My wife has been worried about her weight...i told her to keep her chins up...

   Question for Flinnie and Suthernf**er...Are either of you two capable of an original thought?

   When someone asks, "Where are you from originally?” replying, "My Mom's V@gina", is apparently not a socially acceptable answer.

   Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don't want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico.

   feels used and unwanted, like the two chocolate halves of an Oreo cookie after someone has already licked the cream out of them.

   World's Shortest Fairy Tale: There once was a man who asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No." and he lived happily ever after.

   Ever see a flower poking up through a crack in the sidewalk? The crack represents the troubles in your life, the flower is the possibilities.

   Make sure your worst enemy is not living between your own two ears.

   Now I'm not going to say Snoop Dog smokes alot of pot, but last night at a concert he farted and the entire first 3 rows got the munchies.

   Sometimes I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.