Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"

   To the austronauts left for space today, can you bring back another planet?

   It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...

   I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

   I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.

   If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.

   You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

   They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

   Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me

   "Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol

   I know I’m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.

   Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside.