Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Be careful who you call friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. 
Swallowing pride never choked anyone
I'm going to open a store next to forever 21 and call it finally 22.
Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. For many people today is Toileto de Puko
Being broke has shortened my wife expectancy.
If my girlfriend f*cked liked she whines, I would be the luckiest guy ever.
Sorry I offended you when I called you a slut. I had no idea you thought it was a secret.
You can only say WTF so many times in a day before you just start drinking!!!
The Bangles just issued a press release that they have a new song coming out. "Run Like an Egyptian"
I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
alot of people believe they came from monkeys...im not going to argue with them.
wow, by several of the last status posts, we can see that Ferguson must have gotten their Internet back!!!
I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your get your ugly yellow no good kester off my property, before I pump your gust full of led 1....2.... 10
Oh, you're a lesbian? You're not attracted to men, so you go date girls that look like men. That makes complete sense.
So that's why I work so many hours, so you can collect Welfare, wear pajamas in public and have an iPhone.
I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, pants and boxers as slowly as I could. I crept upstairs very quietly, it was only when I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the f*cking bus!
BOY: Hey you must be tired... GIRL: Let me guess, coz I was running through your mind all day? BOY: Hell No! From jumping to conclusions, b*tch
At the drive thru at my bank. The tube came back with my cash and a Chilean miner
born with no eyelids. Doctor used some of the extra foreskin from my circumcision to make some. He said I would be fine, just a little cock-eyed. 