Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everytime I enter a Plane I gotta ask the Arab sitting next to me if he Got plans for tomorrow.

   i don’t understand why people need to do drugs or party in order to have fun, have you tried mac n cheese

   Think about this. Somebody in the world right now couldn't imagine life without you. That alone should give you the strength to smile.

   I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.

   That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car.

   I fell off the bed in the middle of it and she yelled "5 second rule" and kept doing it. I think I'm in love...

   My life will not be complete until I've walked away from an explosion in slow motion

   I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

   What is with these married women and their excessively long names on Facebook? I wonder if Michelle Carrie Ann Thompson-Anderson realizes her last name is a f*cking run-on sentence. Trim that sh*t down, b*tch.

   would like to thank his liver for all the support, this weekend . . . Couldnt have done it without you, old friend !

   Hey ladies its Halloween. Feel free to show off your pumpkins!

   Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.

   You don't give up your car when someone else drives drunk! So why would you give up your gun when someone else commits a crime with a gun?!

   $2.75 Trojans or $19.99 Huggies?? You make the decision.

   I FINALLY found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!

   "Please don't put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby

   People dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just hold their phone over the plate, snap a picture, & then upload it to instagram .

   Governments that try to control the internet are SOPAthetic

   Excuse me lady, there is a FACE on your Makeup.

   Halloween isn't really that different than any other day... everyone's still pretending to be someone or something their not.