Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

   Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

   The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one?

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew it’s descendant would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

   Exercising is basically hurting yourself until you build up an immunity to hurting yourself.

   Maybe fewer big booty ho's at next years Grammy's??

   The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   The most expensive special election in Georgia history is over. The Republicans are laughing their Ossoff.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.