Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would unfortunately become the Misinformation Stupidhighway.

   It never fails. I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   I'm glad to see most of you are not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   I need breakfast! If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!

   If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys that car dealerships use,,,, throw a spider down the back of my shirt

   Dear world, please don't end till after after my four day weekend is complete. Thank you.

   I always party like it's 1999. Standing in a corner talking to nerds about The Matrix.

   I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".

   I never got any good mail on Saturday anyway.

   I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

   Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

   I just got a call from the NFL office...they must have gotten wind of that 1 flag football game I ref'd in 2002

   it's only perverted if she says no...

   I thought she was trying to tell me that masturbation was wrong. What she was really saying was she didn't want me doing it in her kitchen.

   Yes, lady, you are cute, but not 5000 photos on facebook cute.

   Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Dont question my laziness

   Autocorrect just changed "hammered" to "married" so I guess I'm getting hitched tonight.

   You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button