Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "There's strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.

   Vegans will be the other white meat for zombies. Just saying.

   I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

   This has to be the only "holiday" created by someone with a speech impediment...

   Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra and many other problems !!!

   Remember before facebook when thoughts stayed in people’s heads?

   it possible to love the one you're with but not be able to stand the sound of their breathing? Asking for a friend

   I’m offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off.

   The kiss of death is what happens after the "I do's"

   One thing TV has taught me-35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.

   The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up... lol!

   Why can't the ice cream man just get a fu*kin liquor license already

   Not today, people with initiative. Not today.

   I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.

   It's bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   A good business idea: Open a Pho restaurant that never closes, calling it Twenty Pho Seven.

   I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

   I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.

   Balloons are so weird...."Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

   I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I'm eating pizza alone.